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Overheard in Jakarta...

So I've found these conversations on some Website which basically features all funny/stupid/silly things that people overheard, and they would submit it to this site. I couldn't really stop cracking up when reading them and thought I'd like to share some of the postings with you all.


Wartawan #1: "Hasil sidangnya bagaimana, bu?"
Narasumber: "Belum, hasil seluruhnya masih belum bisa diketahui. Nanti agak siangan."
Wartawan #2: "Kalau gitu nanti kita hubungi ibu via HP saja ya. Berapa nomor HPnya bu?"
Narasumber: "Berapa ya? Sebentar (sambil berpikir) 0, 8, 5... Aduh, panjang deh pokoknya."
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Didengar di: Puluhan wartawan yang berniat membelikan narasumber walkie talkie, supaya tidak perlu menghapal nomer telepon.


Mahasiswa #1: "Dosennya lama banget, ya..."
Mahasiswa #2: "Duh, gua mau cabut tapi orang di rumah pergi semua, mana pintunya dibawa lagi!"
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Didengar di: Universitas swasta di Depok, didengar oleh para mahasiswa lain yang merasa menjadi tidak pintar duduk di situ.


Petugas #1: "Woi, kalo WNA bisa ke luar negeri gak ya?"
Petugas #2: "Gua gak tau, kalo WNI bisa ke dalam negeri gak?"
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Didengar di: Kantor Pajak Jakarta, didengar oleh istri WNA yang berpikir keras mengapa harus ada negara.


Di mesin fotokopi,
Manajer Produksi ke Sekretaris: "Masukinnya telentang atau tengkurep nih?"
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Didengar di: Didengar oleh semua karyawan yang langsung menyalakan kamera video handphone masing-masing.


Cewek #1: "Tuh, yang itu Uranus, terus yang sebelahnya Neptunus..." (Sambil menunjuk ke arah langit)
Cewek #2: "Mayan jelas sih, tapi coba kalau pake stetoskop. Pasti lebih jelas lagi."
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Didengar di: Didengar oleh salah seorang teman yang merasa cewek #2 terlalu terobsesi menjadi dokter.


Cewek Cakep: "Boooo, gua kepengen punya HP baru deeeh!"
Teman Kerja: "HP apaan? Nokia?"
Cewek Cakep: "Bukan, itu loh... Sony Erection! (Terdiam) Eh..."
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Didengar di: Didengar oleh semua teman kerja yang langsung mempertanyakan fungsi utama handphone buat cewek itu.


Cowok #1: "Iya, jadi dulu gue pernah jatuh dari lantai 7..."
Cowok #2: "Ooh, terus loe mati nggak?"
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Didenger di: Sekolah di Jakarta Selatan, didengar oleh teman sekelas yang merasa cowok #2 punya bakat supernatural.


Sambil menonton DVD,
Cewek: "Widiiih, I really want that kind of body! Perutnya flat banget!"
Cowok: "Makanya, tiap pagi shit up aja..."
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Didenger di: Didengar oleh si cewek yang membayangkan di WC sambil kayang.


Pembeli: "Bang sate cie"
Abang Sate Padang: "..."
Pembeli: "Bara hargonyo?"
Abang Sate Padang: "..."
Pembeli: "Bang kok diem aja sih?"
Abang Sate Padang: "Ora iso ngomong padang, bu..."
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Didenger di: Duren Sawit, didengar keponakan si ibu yang merasa si Abang harusnya jualan gudeg.


Cewek #1: "Ini sekarang kita mau kemana?"
Cewek #2: "Kita mau ke planetarium"
Cewek #1: "Ooh, kita mau liat ikan yaa?"
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Didenger di: Busway arah Cikini, didengar oleh cewek #1 yang berasa akan kejatuhan meteor.


Bapak: "Kamu udah sahur belum?"
Anak: "Udah, pa..."
Bapak: "Udah minum susu?"
Anak: "Uhmm..."
Bapak: "Kalo belum, itu ada energizer, minum aja..."
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Didenger di: Didengar oleh si anak yang mempertanyakan apakah dia manusia atau robot.


Cewek: (Sambil memegang Blackberry) "Ih, enak ya, punya loe masih bagus, punya gua udah baret-baret bekas punya bokap, soalnya bokap gua gak pernah pake kondom..."
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Didenger di: Didengar oleh seseorang yang langsung ingin pergi ke apotik terdekat.


Murid SMA #1: (Sambil menunjuk) "Gile tuh cewe, mukanya sih gak cakep, cuma duduknya ngangkang melulu!"
Murid SMA #2: "Oh, itu kan cewe gua..."
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Didenger di: Bulungan, didengar oleh seluruh tongkrongan yang langsung memalingkan pandangan dan bersiul-siul.


Teman #1: "Mau kemana loe?"
Teman #2: "Gue dapet telpon, nenek gua meninggal, jadi gua besok harus zinah..."
Teman #1: "Eh?"
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Didenger di: Buperta Cibubur, didengar anggota regu setenda yang ingin diadopsi keluarga itu.


Cewek #1: "Loe udah nelpon kantin? Cemilannya apa?"
Cewek #2: "Bubur kacang ijo..."
Cewek #1: "Ooh, bubur kacang ijo. Eh, eh, bubur kacang ijonya yang mana nih, yang item atau yang ijo?"
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Didenger di: Cipete, didengar oleh cewek #2 yang merasa temannya buta warna kronis.


Cowok: "Gua tau loe cantik, tapi loe boker juga ngeden kan!"
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Didenger di: Kampus di Bintaro, didengar oleh mahasiswa lain yang yakin si cewek tidak akan jumawa lagi.


Pelanggan Gaptek: "Wah, lampu motornya terang banget, putih lagi warnanya... Lampu hologram ya?"
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Didenger di: Kalideres, didengar oleh pelanggan lain yang ingin beli album koleksi lampu hologram.


Cewek Sok Tahu: "Wah, gila! Kamera siapa nih, gede banget!"
Pemilik kamera: "Kamera gua, itu namanya SLR... Emang kenapa?"
Cewek Sok Tahu: "Bokap gua juga punya kayanya, tapi namanya Kinon!"
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Didenger di: Fakultas SRD di Grogol, didengar oleh mahasiswi lain yang ingin menjejalkan lensa ke mulut cewek itu.


Cewek #1: "Hadooohh... Sumpah tegang banget gua tadi! Gua takut salah ngomong!"
Cewek #2: "Loe vermes gitu yah?"
Cewek #1: "Hah? Vermes?"
Cewek #2: "Iya, vermes. Grogi-grogi gitu."
Cewek #1: "Ooh ya ampuun... maksud loe herpes kali. Iya, Gue herpes gitu deh tadi."
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Didenger di: Mall di Jakarta Selatan, didengar oleh panitia jumpa fans yang ingin melempari mereka dengan cacing berpenyakit kulit.


Klien marah-marah: "KAMU INI GILA APA, SAYA SUDAH JAUH-JAUH DARI CITOS KEMARI, SAYA CANCEL JANJI MEETING SAYA DI SUDIRMAN, TIBA-TIBA KAMU BATALIN KAYA GINI! KAMU PIKIR SAYA INI KANCIL APA?!"
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Didenger di: Tebet, didengar oleh karyawan yang merasa menjadi sekecil timun.


Cewek Jutek ke Cowo Genit: "Heh, ngapain loe colek-colek, loe pikir gua sabun!"
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Didenger di: Didengar oleh seseorang yang terharu mengingat tumpukan cucian di rumah.


Alumni universitas swasta #1: "Eh, lu tau ga pendiri universitas kita?"
Alumni #2: "Iya, kenapa? Udah tua banget kan dia."
Alumni #1: "Kemaren gua ketemu, gila kasian banget dia sekarang udah duduk di sepatu roda..."
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Didenger di: Gedung Resepsi di Kuningan, didengar oleh seorang make-up artist yang mengira-ngira seberapa gaul kakek itu.


Mahasiswa #1: "Itu binatang yang bisa ngegulung, apa namanya?"
Mahasiswa #2: "Trenggiling."
Mahasiswa #1: "Bukan tau, trenggulung! Kan dia bisa menggulung! Kalo trenggiling dia ngegiling dooong?"
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Didenger di: Plaza Semanggi, didengar oleh seseorang yang langsung menjadi trenggeleng.


Mas Penjual Makanan: "Silakan mbak. Yang paling enak disini Donburinya mbak, isinya macem2 ada ayam, kimchi, salad, dan telor ikan."
Mahasiswi: "Ooh..berapa mas, harganya?"
Mas Penjual Makanan: "15.000 aja."
Mahasiswi: "Beli satu deh mas."
Mas Penjual Makanan: "Udah abis."
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Didenger di: Stand makanan Korea, didengar oleh dua orang mahasiswi yang ingin mengirim si mas ke Korea untuk ikut wajib militer.


Cewek #1: "Emang kalo di Bali, lawar itu apa sih?"
Cewek #2: "Aduh, lawar itu makanan yang pake darah babi."
Cewek #1: "Iiih, berarti kalo muslim gak boleh makan dong."
Cewek #2: "Aduh, kan lo bisa ganti pake darah ayam!"
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Didenger di: Sudirman, didengar oleh seseorang yang langsung telepon minta konfirmasi sama guru ngajinya.

When Superpowers Go Wrong..

If you're a huge comic book fan, you'll find these pictures hillarious. What happens when the superpowers get in the way of leading a normal life? What happens when they get in the way of getting to the bathroom on time?

I found these when I was browsing on Cracked.com, thought I wanted to share these with you guys.

Fasten Your Seatbelt

"Uhmm Sir, that's not how you fasten your seatbelt on the plane.."

Hab Max Janoux Lufaz Bayaour

I'm a huge fan of French cuisine. Dan kadang kalau kita ngeliat makanan yg dari France itu, you'll get the impression that the food is very well-presented, sophisticated, very diverse, and considered to be one of the world's most refined and elegant cooking. These are some of the examples of French cuisine:

1. Fillet Mignon (A steak cut of beef taken from tenderloin)
2. Pate de Fois Gras (Goose Liver Paste)
3. Chevalen (Horse Meat!)
4. Monsieur de Veau (Veal)
5. Escargot d'France (Snails from French)

Si Inem yg warungnya sering dikunjungi turis (backpackers) Perancis, engga mao kalah. Dia pasang menu sebagai berikut:

CHEF'S SPECIAL:

1. Oucing Pete de Chine (Oseng Pete' Cina)
2. Chateau de Batavie (Soto Betawi)
3. Saiyour de Lourdes (Sayur Lodeh)
4. Roujaxe d'Oleque (Rujak Ulek)
5. Café a la Tobruque (Kopi Tubruk)
6. Cappuccino de Preangers (Bajigur)
7. Naxis Geaux rain (Nasi Goreng)
8. Manioc de Mer (Singkong Rebus)
9. Vouz vour que tans Noir (Bubur Ketan Item)

And Today's Special:

Loun Tounqe Saiyour (Lontong Sayur)

Hab Max Janoux Lufaz Bayaour = Habis Makan Jangan Lupa Bayar!!

How to be a Successful Evil Overlord

Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours (for real!). However, every Evil Overlord you have probably read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end.

I read this somewhere on someone's Website which I thought it was really funny. Thought I wanted to share with you all.

We have noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists, or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. With that in mind, allow me to present...

1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not face concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell in my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragon of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies predicament before killing them.
7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought, I'll shoot him and then say "No."
8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled, "Danger: Don Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will clearly not be labelled as such.
10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum - a small hotel room well outside my border will work just as well.
11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least several round of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
15. I will never employ any device with a digital count-down. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable. I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would prove a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
21. I will hire a fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legion of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strength and weaknesses. Even though this takes some fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible spot.
26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive which is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bed chamber.
27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcements and/or romantic sub-plot for the hero or his side-kick.
32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
37. If my trusted lieutenant tell me my Legion of Terror is losing a battle, I will believe him.. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable super-weapon, I will use it early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all of those pesky time travel devices.
42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys that happens to follow him around.
43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him and say "And here is the price for failure." then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.
47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all of my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.
51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions of the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people oriented position.
52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.
54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legion of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
56. My Legion of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owners manual.
58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: This also applies to passwords.
61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?" I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of this nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
64. I will see a compentant psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be disadvantageous.
65. If I must have a computer system with publicly available terminals, the maps they display will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints and then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.
69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon, instead of using my unstoppable super weapon on them.
73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
75. I will instruct my Legion of Terror to attack the heroes en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
78. I will not tell my Legion of Terror "And he must be taken alive-" the command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonable practical."
79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited edition commemorative coins.
80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerously unbalanced structure.
83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 stones of power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more alone the lines of "Push the button/"
86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to do the task again.
89. After I capture the hero's super weapon, I will not disband legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
90. I will not design my main control room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead, I will say that his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and the underling who failed or betrayed me, I will die first.
94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cell mate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening the cell for a look.
96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unraveled.
98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However, if circumstances have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each other' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
99. Any data files of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb.
100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free, unlimited internet access.

Tech Support!

From: Chuck Berry
To: Maureen Cassai

Subject: Dear Tech Support

Date: Fri, 07 Dec 2007 21:40:15 -0500

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,
Troubled User... (Please Read Reply)
______________________________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under "Warnings-Alimony-Child Support". I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear"5.0 to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Laundry 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.


BEST OF LUCK,
TECH SUPPORT

You did WHAT?

Recently I was chatting with my friend - let's just call her madchick - about the most disgusting thing that we have ever done. In my case, it took place a month ago when I clogged up the sink pipe in the bathroom. How? Well that's because I was stupidly enough to stand by the sink when giving myself a haircut. Of course as you can guess, those hair pieces were falling down the sink and successfully clogged up the freakin' pipe.

Well how was it digusting? Heh, yeah so my roommate decided to pull a MacGyver. Having no fancy plumbing tools and zero plumbing experience, he decided to use hmm..(Well something which you're about to find out later)..to get the hair out of the pipe. We then took turns to do it which in the end, we finally got most hair out of the pipe. But the whole experience itself has turned into a nightmare for me and I'm still haunted by it everytime I look at the sink.

Anyhow, the next day I was talking to madchick about it, and she told me that what I did was nothing compared to what she did.

madchick: i went through some crazy shit myself few years ago
Haceem: oh yeah like what
madchick: so i am sure his is nothing
madchick: its too gross to even tell
Haceem: tell me
Haceem: then i'll tell you
madchick: lol
madchick: ok so this was like years ago
Haceem: right
madchick: i was at my cousin's vising to DC
madchick: i was living in NJ at rge time
Haceem: k
madchick: so i took a shit
madchick: and the flush wont work
madchick: i tried to fix it
Haceem: HAHAHAHA
Haceem: ohh
madchick: but it wont do anything
madchick: i was too embarrassed to tell my cuzins
Haceem: don't tell me you grabbed it using toilet paper?
madchick: so i took the shit out
madchick: lol
madchick: yes
Haceem: aw shit
madchick: so gross
Haceem: OUCH
madchick: the nastiest thing ever
Haceem: with what???
Haceem: your bare hands?
madchick: with bounty
madchick: NO dude
madchick: bounty paper
Haceem: and what did you do with it?
madchick: i finished the whole dam thing
madchick: threw it in the trash can
madchick: lol
Haceem: aw shittt are u serious?
Haceem: that trash can must've smelled awful
Haceem: did anyone notice?
Haceem: the smell?
madchick: ok so
madchick: i went to the kitchen
madchick: pretending to throw somethin in the garbage
madchick: and it was thankfully full
Haceem: aw that's just nasty!!
madchick: i was like to my cuz ..hey let me throw the trash out
Haceem: damn
madchick: i think the one in the bathroom is also full
madchick: where do i throw i tout
madchick: lol
madchick: so once i figured it out
madchick: i threw it all out
madchick: but it was pretty gross
Haceem: aw shitt hell yeah it's gross!!!
Haceem: awwww
Haceem: damnit
Haceem: why did you have to tell me this?!
madchick: u asked for it
madchick: now its ur turn
madchick: cant be bad as my experience
Haceem: i think i'm beginning to have all these visions..
madchick: lol
Haceem: ..you taking a crap and pick it up one by one with a paper towel
madchick: yeha it was pretty traumatic
Haceem: i bet
Haceem: hahahhahaha
Haceem: how did it feel though?
Haceem: was it very....cushy?
Haceem: hahahhahahaha
Haceem: or hard as a rock?
Haceem: if it was hard, that means you need to eat a lot of bananas and spinach
madchick: lol
madchick: ok
madchick: i dont want to think abt it
madchick: its gross
Haceem: damnit
Haceem: that's just gross
Haceem: hahahaha
Haceem: well thanks for sharing :-)
madchick: so what did u use
Haceem: hahahhaa
Haceem: he used the plunger
Haceem: for the freaking sink
Haceem: i was like you used what?!
madchick: lol
madchick: oh god
madchick: i knew it
Haceem: he said yeah i had to use it..good thing i got most of the hair out
Haceem: so now it's ur turn
madchick: remind me never to use ur sink if i ever get invited to ur place
Haceem: i said, well i ain't touch that thing...especially using it to fix the freakin sink. i'm gonna call the maintenance guy
Haceem: hahahah shut upp
Haceem: he just laughed
madchick: lol unless u get the sink replaced
Haceem: so i called up the maintenance guy....i got the voice mail saying that they don't work on weekends
Haceem: and i was gonna get some tools from home depot...but somehow i know i'm going to mess up something because i'm just not really good at fixing anything
Haceem: hahahhahaha
Haceem: so i was like, fuck it..i'll use the damn thing...
madchick: yes i can tell from ur hair
madchick: lol
Haceem: hahaha whatever
madchick: how good u are "at fixing" things
Haceem: hey i know i'm good with my hands. but when it comes to fixing househould stuff, not really good at it
Haceem: hahahahhahaha
Haceem: :-D
madchick: lol
madchick: god iw as just abt toforget that nightmare
Haceem: i guess..
Haceem: ..i'll have to remind myself not to shake your hands
Haceem: or maybe touch it
Haceem: HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA
madchick: lol
madchick: trust me
Haceem: oh man
madchick: i wanted to wash my hands with acid
madchick: lol i figured id die
madchick: so i finished thefreaking anti bacterial soap
Haceem: i'd rather embarass myself than touching my own crap..seriously
madchick: i was in the bathroom for an hour
madchick: doing all this
Haceem: you didn't even take a shower?
madchick: my cousins were watching a movie
madchick: they were like dam where the hell did she go
madchick: i did eventually
madchick: i didnt want to run
madchick: its one of those freakin half bathrooms
Haceem: good thing you didn't have diarrhea
Haceem: hahahaha half bathroom...
madchick: oh god
madchick: i would have burned the dam thing down
Haceem: hahhahahaha
madchick: and pretend like it was an accident
Haceem: you would've probably used the vacuum cleaner...
Haceem: hahahhahaha
madchick: so i always make the flush works
Haceem: to vacuum the whole thing and burn the vacuum cleaner
madchick: when i have to take a dump at anyones house
madchick: thats so gross
Haceem: you know what you should do..if it happens again next time
Haceem: you should get a glass or cup..or a pot
Haceem: fill it with water and just start pouring water to the toilet
Haceem: it'll slowly flush it down the toilet
Haceem: it takes time
madchick: lol thanks
Haceem: but at least you won't have to pick up your own crap and toss it in the trash can......awwcchhhhh arrgghh
madchick: can we stop talking abt this sitty experience ?
madchick: shitty*
madchick: literally shitty
madchick: lol
Haceem: i'm gonna have to copy and paste this convo on my blog
Haceem: hahahahhaha
Haceem: it's too funny
Haceem: HAHAHHAHAHAHA
Haceem: http://haceem.blogspot.com
madchick: NOway
madchick: imma kill you
madchick: so gross
Haceem: AHHAHAHAHA
Haceem: it's funny!!
Haceem: hahahhahaha..
madchick: u betetr not be posting it up
madchick: lol
madchick: ill kill u
Haceem: hahahhahaha
Haceem: well let me think about it
madchick: lol
madchick: no thinking
Haceem: :-D heh heh heh....
Haceem: i'm soo tempted to post it
Haceem: seriously
madchick: dude
Haceem: what
madchick: the only reason i told u is because u wont tell me what happened
madchick: not so that u can post it up
madchick: so no
Haceem: did it smell?
madchick: i closed my nose
madchick: lol
madchick: its shit for godsake
Haceem: how did it feel?
madchick: and doesnt matter if its asian shit
Haceem: you never answered my question
madchick: still stinks
Haceem: hahhahaha
madchick: its mushy i guess
Haceem: i bet it smelled like curry!
Haceem: was it dark brown? or light yellow? or just yellow?
madchick: i dont remember
Haceem: well try to remember
Haceem: it's very important
madchick: lol not
Haceem: hahahhaa

Meteor Garden (Indo Version)

If you lived in Indonesia a few years ago, you'd probably remember Meteor Garden, which was considered one of the most popular TV shows. I actually saw a couple of episodes a few years back when I was hanging out at my friend's place.. I thought it was one of the corniest show ever in TV history, and I absolutely had no idea why all teenagers were so crazy about those Meteor Garden guys.

So recently someone emailed this screenshot to me, it was a Friendster profile of the Indonesian Meteor Garden (HAHAHAHA).. Hell I thought this could be a brilliant idea, replacing all Taiwanese casts of Meteor Garden with all Indonesian-Javanese casts.. Hahahahaa...

The Laid-Back Obama

Looks like the ironclad rule of the Bush administration (coat and tie in the Oval Office at all times) has ended. President Obama has promised to bring change not just to Washington, but to the Oval Office as well. He's more laid back, has been seen without his suit jacket in the Oval Office, and he also cracks up the thermostat. They said the Oval Office is so warm you can even grow orchids in there hahahhaa...

Hell I wouldn't be surprised if he decided to wear a wife-beater and Hawaiian shorts in the Oval Office on his 2nd presidential term.

Click here to read more of the laid-back President Obama.

Old School 'Buku Pelajaran'

Damn!

Seeing these pictures of old school buku pelajaran really reminds me of good ol' days when I was still a 7-year-old spoiled brat wearing white and red uniform, running around in school, and teasing all the (little) girls.. If you spent your elementary school years back in the 80s, you'd probably find these pics very memorable too.

100 - 0... Holy Cow!

I've seen a lot of basketball games where one team completely embarrassed the other team by beating them by 20 to 30 points. But this one (holy cow!), they beat them by 100 points!! That's just humiliating. I mean, how bad can your team be when nobody on your team can even score a basket. Either the opposing team is really really damn good.. Or you team just plain sucks.

Funny thing is, the coach from the winning team just got fired because having a wide-margin victory clearly does not reflect a Christlike and honorable approach to competition. Pfffttttttt......

Click here to read the full article.

Nihonese?

A co-worker of mine sent this to me yesterday. I wasn't sure if this was real or someone just wanted to play a prank on him. It's funny as hell, and couldn't even stop laughing when I saw it. One thing that came to mind after reading it.. WTF is Nihonese?

1970s - 1980s Indonesian Movies Characteristics

The following posting is specially dedicated to Indos who grew up in the 70s and 80s. I had to write it in Indonesian since it sounds a lot funnier than in English. Hope you all enjoy it :)

Ciri-ciri Adegan-adegan yang biasanya ada dalam film-film Indonesia tahun 1970-an dan 1980-an:

1. Makan bersama keluarga. Entah maksudnya apa, pamer apa yang dimasak sama pembantu rumah tangganya, atau pamer peralatan dapur. Dan biasanya minumannya selalu jus jeruk.

2. Cinta yang tidak disetujui orang tua. Entah sudah berapa judul film Rano Karno yang temanya beginian.

3. Ayah yang selalu berbaju safari. Biasanya warnanya coklat muda, dengan 2 bolpen di kantongnya, membawa koper, dan biasanya ke kantor.

4. Polisi yang selalu datang terlambat. Seperti biasa, polisi selalu terlambat untuk menangangi masalah dalam film Indonesia, dengan kalimat yang kaku dan khas: "Ini memang buronan yang sedang kami cari, Pak!"

5. Adegan pub/bar/nightclub. Scene ini biasanya lampu remang-remang warna kemerahan, diiringi musik-musik kaya' ABBA, Beegees, Kool and The Gang. Lalu minuman diberi obat perangsang.

6. Masuk Rumah Sakit. Biasanya karena penyakit yang baru disadari sudah stadium 2 atau 3, karena mengidap kanker, leukimia, atau jantungnya kambuh. Sangat jarang penyakitnya bengek, korengan, atau diare. Dokternya biasanya berkumis, badan agak gemuk, kacamata baca model Malcolm X, stetoskop menggantung di leher, dan biasanya ngomong: "Bapak dan Ibu tidak usah khawatir, kami akan berusaha semampu kami."

7. Adegan lari-larian di taman atau di pinggir laut sambil ketawa-ketawa kecil "hahaha...hahaha..." trus yang cewek menjatuhkan diri. Maksudnya romantis, tapi kok malah jadi lucu. Trus saat adegan ciuman, diganti (disensor) dengan deburan ombak atau bunga mawar.

8. Mau diperkosa trus nggak jadi karena jagoannya datang. Entah dari mana, tiba-tiba berantem aja sama yang mau memperkosa.

9. Tokoh kyai/orang sakti/pemuda yang alim. Biasanya untuk ngusir setan kaya kuntilanak, arwah penasaran dan lain-lain. Banyak ditemui di film-film horor Indonesia dan biasanya selalu menang.

10. Di setiap ending film pasti disertai dengan tulisan: SEKIAN, TAMMAT, SELESAI, dan lain-lain dengan warna-warna yang cerah.

11. Kalau cowok pergi ngapel ke rumah camer biasanya bawa oleh-oleh kue tart yang norak-norak (zaman segitu belum ada black forest, sih!)

12. Kalau kuliah naik motor and berambut gondrong.

13. Cewek kalau dijemput cowoknya pakai mobil, pintunya dibukain.

14. Adegan buang puntung rokok, terus dimatiin pake kaki. Mungkin biar sepatu boot/kulitnya keliatan.

15. Kalau perpisahan bikin acara disko sendiri di rumah.

16. Terjadinya ML gak sengaja, gara-gara kehujanan atau pada saat hujan.

17. Kalau mau ketemu cewek, si cowok sisiran dulu. Rambut gondrong, diminyakin dan sisirnya ditaruh di saku belakang. Sisirnya nongol sedikit!

18. Nama peran utamanya kalau cowok selalu JOHAN, HENDRA, ANTON.

19. Kalau naik motor nggak pake helm.

20. Cewenya kalau habis dimarahin sama bokapnya, biasanya langsung lari ke kamar terus nangis tersedu-sedu di ranjang (biasanya film-film Oma Irama).

21. Suka ada iklan tersembunyi, biasanya rokok.

22. Kalau pemeran utama cowoknya ceritanya udah jadi tua, tinggal ditambahin kumis doang.

23. Kalau film silat, gadis desanya senang nyuci di kali pakai kemben, bawa bakul, kainnya cuma 2 biji. Pas lagi nyuci, datang penjahat dan langsung tuh penjahat pengen perkaos (perkosa).

24. Kalau film perang, kapten Belanda biasanya orang Indonesia pake wig pirang, serdadunya senang jalan-jalan keliling kampung, pas liat cewek lagi nyuci di kali, pengen perkaos juga.

25. Biasanya kisah sedihnya beruntun. Misalnya: anak sakit, nggak punya uang, mau beli obat, hujan deras, eh si emak ketabrak mobil lagi...(kalo di sinetron "Janjiku" si emak - Paramita Rusadi - udah ketabrak mo diperkosa ama yg nabrak lagi!!)

26. Cewek diperkosa di dalem kamar di atas tempat tidur. Cewe yang diperkosa bilang: "tidak...jangan...tidak..." Terus yang merkosa bilang: "teriaklah sekuat-kuatnya, tidak akan ada yang mendengarkanmu..."

27. Anak SMA pake seragam yang lengennya dilinting, nggak cewe ngga cowo, celananya baggy, atau yang pipanya nyempit di bawah.

28. Rambut cewek belahannya di samping.

29. Vokal untuk theme song suaranya lirih dan mendesah desah.

30. Kalau ada yang mau mati, pasti ninggalin pesen duluan, baru mati.

31. Suara cewe kalo lagi marah pasti jadi gembret (btw, gembret apaan sih?)

32. Zainal Abidin kebanyakan jadi tokoh Bapak.

33. Kalau di film anak-anak, biasanya ibu atau bapaknya meninggal. Si anak tinggal sama ibu tiri atau bibinya, dijadiin pembokat, dimarahin. Si anak kabur ke kota, jadi gelandangan. Biasanya dipungut orang kaya, trus jadi penyanyi cilik terkenal. Biar rada dramatis sering tuh anak ditabrak mobil.

34. Kalau ceweknya mau diculik, biasanya jalannya di tempat sepi yang nggak ada orang/mobil lewat.

35. Kalau film eksyen, adegan berantem di jalan ramai dilanjutkan dengan kejar-kejaran. Dari kota tiba-tiba pindah ke tengah sawah!

36. Kalau adegan daerah pelacuran, biasanya di pinggir sungai, ada becak sama warung jualan bir. Terus ada adegan WTS godain orang lewat. Kadang-kadang ada bencongnya juga.

37. Adegan batuk-batuk. Habis itu keluar darah...dilap tissu....dijamin abis itu pasti mati!!!

38. Dono Warkop selalu kebagian cewek-cewek seksi.

39. Cerita SMA biasanya sering ada murid baru, biasanya cewek. Sering ada adegan cowok godain cewek pake lemparan gulungan kertas atau kapur. Surat cintanya biasanya nyasar ke temen cewek yang gendut atau ibu guru.

40. Kalau jajan di kantin biasanya makan bakso, duduk di bangku panjang kayak di warteg.

41. Kalau lulus-lulusan biasanya kemping ke gunung, di bis nyanyi-nyanyi kayak anak TK.

42. Kalau bikin geng biasanya ada yang gendut, bencong, atau kurus.

43. Jagoan SMA biasanya ketua OSIS, kalau sekolah bawa tas kecil yang ditaruh di bahu, bukunya kadang cuma satu biji, lusuh lagi.

44. Hantu-hantu di film horor:
- Biasanya yang jadi korban duluan adalah orang yang lagi ronda.
- Kuntilanaknya sering jajan sate.
- Dedemitnya mula-mula cakep, pas ML berubah jadi buaya atau ular.
- Hantu cewek biasanya korban perkosaan yang balas dendam.

Good Ol' Times at the Topan Badai Band Camp

Jakarta in 2020

Kebun Jeruk




Merak




Downtown Jakarta




Puncak




Bekasi




Surabaya




Tanjung Priok




Bandung

Corporate Lessons

CORPORATE LESSON 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.

"Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


CORPORATE LESSON 2
A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand.

But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.

It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.


CORPORATE LESSON 3
A sales rep and a administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first!? Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."? Poof! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.


CORPORATE LESSON 4
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day? A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.


CORPORATE LESSON 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Things to Do When Your Boss is Away

The Real Meaning of the Recession

Obama and McCain Movie Posters

I came accross these movie posters when I was browsing yesterday.. Some of them look pretty hillarious!